Thanksgiving

(I know that this is late...just bear with me please)

Zach & I joined his dad for his families Thanksgiving in Monterey this year. It's the third Thanksgiving that we've made the drive up. Zach actually does really well with the long car ride (up at 5:00 & then 7 1/2 hours in the car), I pulled out my phone & the DVD player at his hardest times & it got us through.

Zach loved being with the family & playing with everyone & everything. We had a great time at Dennis the Menace park & he REALLY loved Grandpa's Ferrari. Zach is a nut about cars (real ones), so he spent a lot of time in the garage looking at the cars. I don't have a garage (I park in the alley), so it was a treat for him to be able to walk around & around the cars without holding anyone's hands.

The way that it "should" be.....

In my adventures as a single pregnant woman, the mother of a very early preemie & as a single parent to my son I have had a lot if ideas of how life "should" be. I can definitely tell you that most of what I thought "should" happen, didn't.

I didn't have a supportive, caring partner at my side for my short but rough pregnancy. I didn't have a full term pregnancy & a healthy baby boy. I don't get to share this magical time of my son growing up with another caring parent. That all makes me very sad when I actually let myself dwell on it. However, as I am a busy, single working mom I don't let myself do that very often. I have too much to do.

What did I get? I got Halloween this year. It was exactly what I had hoped that it could be. My two year old finally decided that he WOULD wear his costume after fighting it for two weeks. Zach had a blast being out in the world surrounded by people, exploring the magic that was Halloween night.

I find myself scared to be hopeful about experiences anymore as so many were nothing close to how I wanted them to be. As we continue to have these great experiences, I find that part of myself slowly healing.

What else did I get? This great picture that my friend captioned "Come on Mommy! Let's go follow the yellow brick road."

Want a piece of pizza?

For three years now Zach has worn his pizza costume. The first year was while he was still in the NICU. His primary nurse Marjan got it for him while he was very sick recovering from his second surgery. I put him in it when we made up to the overflow step-down nursery. Zach got to come home on October 21, 2009, 142 days after being born.

Then, he still fit in the costume last year. Awesome!

I had to open the seams to get him in it this year, but he did cooperate. Actually, he loves the hat & I can't keep it off of him

.

Hmmmm....will I get a fourth year out of the costume?

Toyota, Honda & Madonna.

Zach can now identify these three cars by the symbol on them. He was calling a Mazda "Madonna" or "Manzana", but has agreed that Mommy's car is really a Mazda. I have no idea how he learned this (well, ok, TV....Shhhhhh!). The really cool thing is that he is ALWAYS right....always.

When we got back from the store today, he asked me "What car is that?" Of course, you would have only been able to understand "car" out of that, but that is what good mommies do, they translate toddler. We discovered that the car was a Volvo & another neighbors car was a Subaru.

I think that our next field trip will be to a car dealership or a car museum.

Recovery Complete!

2 weeks post-op & all is well. Zach's tonsils were huge, we spent two night in the hospital, the scabs came off just when they were supposed to & he was very miserable, no dehydration, no bleeding. He is eating again. That's the short version.

The day of surgery I was an absolute wreck. I seriously thought that I was going to faint as I was walking us out of the door to go to the hospital. I wondered if it might be the last time that I was going to walk him down the stairs. Now, I did know that I was being overly dramatic, but that is what I was feeling at the time. Damn PTSD issues. I was just happy that I was able to drive the car to the hospital, seriously, I was a wreck.

We had a bit of a wait as surgery was delayed, but Zach did great being NPO. He only asked for food once that day & after I explained why he couldn't have any, he never asked again. We played in the waiting area. that didn't go so well. Zach very nearly grabbed a teenagers very bandaged foot. Ugh.....I felt terrible, but dang my little man is quick! I had a rare treat in that Zach fell asleep in the Pikkolo. I so miss holding my son while he sleeps. I really do miss Kangaroo care time when Zach was in the hospital.

I didn't cry when I handed him over to the anesthesiologist (I was very surprised that I didn't) & I was distracted by my preemie mom friends during the 20 minute wait during the surgery (they are some funny ladies.....). I have a feeling that a fellow did the surgery & the attending just popped in & out of the procedure, but I didn't ask (I know too much, there is no way that she could have gotten scrubbed, done the surgery & gotten back out to us that fast).

I'm now going to tell you how much I love my iPhone. It kept me in touch with my friends during the surgery, which helped me to maintain my sanity. Also, I got the kindle app & was able to read my books (The Hunger Games) at night in the hospital as I wasn't getting much sleep. Awesome.

Next post will cover the recovery........not so much fun (but not as bad as I had anticipated).

Surgery

Zach is scheduled for a tonsillectomy/ adnoidectomy on July 14th. Sigh. Seriously, how did such a little boy get such massive tonsils?

We (his doctor & I) noticed his enlarged tonsils back in early April when he had a sore/ red throat. Well, the sore throat seemed to get better but his tonsils were still pretty big at his 2 year checkup. Zach has also been having episodes of obstructive sleep apnea, has fallen off of his growth curve for weight, has balance/ coordination issues & is hyperactive at times. All of this indicated that he is not getting quality rest at night & is just exhausted most of the time.

We went off to the ENT who really didn't think that someone his age would have tonsils large enough to need surgery, but he proved her wrong! We have tried Nasonex to try to shrink them up, but I can tell that it is not working as the tonsils have gotten larger!

Surgery on someone his age is an automatic inpatient admission for one night. I have heard that two year olds tend to stay longer as they don't drink enough post-op to stay hydrated. Fun, fun! I have heard great things about Rady Children's hospital, the rooms are private & I will have a pull out couch to "sleep" on.

My mom is going back to WI for a three week trip (long planned) on July 12th & Zach's dad is going out of the country on vacation July 19th. I hope that we are home by then, but no matter what the recovery will not be easy.

As the time is counting down, my worries & fears are coming to the surface. I have taken my son to surgery twice before. The first time, he was less than 2 pounds, still on the vent with a perforated bowel. The second time, he was 7 pounds, 4 weeks past his due date & a "normal" newborn at that point. He did much worse after the second surgery than the first & has potential to repeat his performance. Ugh. Also, I just know too damn much in regards to hospitals/ surgery & healthcare. That is not helping my anxiety at all.

To top it off, his two year old molars are trying to come in! I guess if he (& I) are going to be miserable, might as well get it all over with at once.

July 4th!

This was July 4th 2009. Zach had made it through his first surgery, had extubated himself & was now on CPAP. He had a break from the CPAP while I held him & we used blow-by to give him oxygen. I think that he was just over 2 pounds in this picture. I then drove to Santee to see a friend & began my adventure of learning to pump anywhere. I finished the night in Point Loma watching the fireworks & then pumping on my way home (yep, while driving).

This year we have been taking it easy. We have done some time in the park & errands. Yesterday we went to Campland on the Bay to see some new friends. A fellow preemie mom & her 3 1/2 year old twins. Although we hadn't met before yesterday, we have known each other for a couple of years on my online preemie mom support group.

Zach ran around like a maniac & then tried to teal everyone's balls (footballs, baseballs, soccer balls, volleyballs). He has no idea that he is too little to play with the big kids & the adults. He was just chasing the ball as they were throwing it & then would just pick up their ball & run off with it. Needless to say, I got a bit of exercise myself yesterday.

"Best Day Ever!"

That's what Zach's teacher said about his first day of preschool. Early Intervention preschool that is. Zach is in EI until he turns three, so automatically qualifies for the preschool (for ages 2-3).

However, I had to fight a bit to get him in. The ST thinks that because he is doing so well verbally, that he wouldn't benefit from this particular class & should go to a regular preschool. Since he (once again) has a 33% gross motor delay (manifested by balance issues, coordination issues, tripping on nothing, falling down a lot & generally being unsafe on playground equipment) it is safer for him to be in a class that "knows" what his issue is. His teacher can watch out for the safety issues & also help with a bit of therapy while he is there. They have an indoor swing platform that is great for his proprioception issue & he LOVES going on it.

He happily played until it was time for me to leave, then he cried for about 10 minutes. Once he saw the crackers that they brought out for snack, the crying was over. He had a blast. He loved playing outside & then did a great job sitting at circle time.

As much as he loved it, he seemed quite happy when I went to pick him up. He came running (past me), saying "Cute, Cute, Cute", went to the door & said "Door!". "Cute" is what he calls me (rarely he will call me Mommy). I used to be so bummed that he never called me Mommy, but now I just love that he calls me "Cute". I have no idea where he decided that that was my name, but I'll keep it.

Happy Birthday Baby!

Well, he's not a baby anymore! Zachary is 2 years old (and he will gladly tell you although it is not very clear). Stats: 21 lb 6 oz, 32 1/4 inches. What that really means is that he is still really little. This post is about all of Zach's positives (and there are a lot).

Cognitively, he is way ahead of actual age. The eval that his EI teacher did was showing that he is 30 to 33 months for his cognitive ability. However.....that did not take into account that he is actually reading some words. He learned the alphabet at about 21 months actual age & then we moved on to words. He can read: Cat, Dog, Mom, Mommy, Daddy, Ball, Happy, Erin, & today he learned Green.

Fine motor, I don't have the official reading, but he is fine.

Most of all, Zach is a very happy little boy. He LOVES to laugh, cracking up at the smallest things that I do. He looks at people like they are the BEST thing to happen to his day. He just draws people in wherever we go. Every Sunday, he is the official greeter at Trader Joe's. He says "Hi" to everyone. I just love this for him.

Mom

Well, he finally said it. I thought that there would be much more fanfare surrounding this accomplishment. Nope. However....he only says "Mama" or "Mom" when he is upset or when I am stopping him from doing something that he really wants to do. Tonight he was upset about brushing his teeth. He very clearly said "Mom" 3 times. I asked him if he could call me "Mommy" & he did.

Zach had been calling me "Cute" for the last month. It was so sweet having my son think that my name was "Cute". Except when he did it at 5:45 in the morning. That wasn't so "cute".

Here are some pics that I promised a while ago (sorry).

Mother's Day

Ahhh...Mother's Day. Mother's Day as a single mom is definitely not how I pictured Mother's Days would be. However, as I watched Zach dancing around the living room to some song this morning, I realized that Mother's Day was much better than I had ever dreamed.

My son is happy, relatively healthy & only has a few issues to deal with related to his prematurity. His smile lights up a room. I love how he looks at people as if they are the best thing to happen to his day. I am so excited to see how his personality has developed in the next year.

I got some great pics today, but....I am too lazy to download them right now. I'll do it on Wed. (I promise).

Ok here we are. April 2, 2011, almost 12 months since my last post. It's not that I haven't been talking about my life & about Zach, I just used other outlets for it (FaceBook & BBC Preemie Moms). It was really just too painful to write down everything that I was going through the last year, moving, starting life as a true single parent, increasing work hours etc. I had some really sad moments wondering why someone wouldn't want me & especially why someone wouldn't want my amazing son. Thankfully I worked through those issues & realized that they were not my issues, they belonged to someone else.

Zach has been doing great this last year.

April 2010--Crawling

May 2010--Pulling to stand & cruising

June 2010--two more teeth, trip back to WI

July 2010--??? but I'm sure that he did something ; )

August 2010--started walking!!!

Sept 2010--two more teeth, started talking (First word was UP)

Oct 2010--more words, more walking

Nov 2010--two more teeth, Trip to Monterey, language explosion started

Dec 2010--four teeth

Jan 2010--four teeth

Feb 2010--

March 2010--Counts 1-8 & learned all of his letters, started using sentences

I obviously need to go back & fill all of the months in.

Anyway, now we are at a point where Zach is likely to have mild Sensory Integration issues & has balance & coordination issues. I will be getting him more evaluations & have started working with him at home.

I was thinking tonight about the essay "Welcome to Holland". I guess that I had really felt like we got the side trip to Italy after all. Zach was doing so well without having many "preemie" issues to deal with that I forgotten that we had been in Holland.

When I look back at my/our journey, I realize that by the time that I found myself in Holland, I had just been getting used to the idea that I was going to go to Italy. I wasn't even all that excited about all of the aspects of my trip to Italy. I knew that I didn't have the best travel partner & was really worried about how the trip would go (much less the travel in Italy). Then boom, I was in Holland & it was really horrible (giving birth at 25 weeks 6 days & my son being so incredibly sick. My travel partner going MIA 3 weeks into the trip just when Zach got really, really sick & needed surgery).

Thankfully found some wonderful travel guides along the way in Holland. I mean really, how many travel guides cry with you when you are at your lowest points. I got used to Holland & then in the last couple of months I felt like we had taken that lovely side trip to Italy & while I wasn't totally relaxed, it was nice.

I know that the new issues are not that severe & can be dealt with, but for a short time I had a hard time accepting it.

As always, when you find yourself unexpectedly in Holland, you look around, get used to the new area, find more wonderful travel guides & move ahead.